The Profit Killer or “Silence of the Lamps”

A serial PROFIT KILLER is on the loose as we speak. The threat is real and strikes daily at tanning salons around the country … silently slashing sales figures, profit margins, and slowly killing off your salon’s customer base, one by one.

As a salon owner, manager or staff member, you’re probably terrified knowing that, even at this very moment, a killer could be in your salon right now, lurking quietly while blending in with your guests. Isn’t it weird to wonder how many times you’ve been in the same room with this psychopath? Maybe you shared glances or even brushed up against them. Yeeeaahh … creepy, right? Can you stop them? And if so, how? You don’t even know what they look like. Luckily for you, Secret Lotion Agent, Detective Arthur Bronzarelli, has been profiling this monster for years, and he’s willing to share the results of his investigation so we can team up and stop this profit-murderer, once and for all.

Here is what we know about the perp:

It can be a guy or girl; they love a nice, even tan and an even better tanning experience. An expert at disguises, they can pose as a girl or guy of any age, so BOLO (that’s detective lingo for “be on the lookout” for, and not to be confused with YOLO).

All future potential profits from that tanner and all the potential customers they warn about their bad experience have been MURDERED.

BOLO for the following behaviors:

• The salon guest who says nothing at all when she’s not greeted and has waited for ten minutes before anyone even acknowledges her.
• The guest who would never even consider making a scene or complaining if a salon associate is rude, indifferent or completely ignores her.
• The guest who would let someone tan before him, even if he was waiting there first.
• The guest who would never complain or say anything if the equipment or room was unclean or did not work properly.
• The guest who feels it’s a waste of time and energy to confront a bad-service moment.
• The guest who just ignores the snobby sales associate who rolls her eyes when the guest can’t make up his mind about a product, and instead just steps back politely and does not buy a thing.
• The guest who was never advised even once about the benefits of using professional tanning products and who, without a peep, just buys a lotion somewhere else.
• The guest who would feel guilty asking for a refund because she did not get the results she was looking for; she saw another guest try it and the salon associate made that other guest feel like it was their own fault.

If you’ve witnessed any of these guest behaviors, you most likely had direct contact with our perp! Once you identify the subject, proceed with extreme caution; if he or she experiences even one of these triggers, they will just quietly leave your salon without warning and you’ll never see him or her again. All future potential profits from that tanner and all the potential customers they warn about their bad experience have been MURDERED.
I hereby appoint all of you to Detective Arthur Bronzarelli’s Junior Special Agent Squad. Your mission: identify these salon guests, and then spoil them with amazing product knowledge and stellar customer service … before they become diabolical profit-KILLERS.
Good Luck, Special Agents!